It's hard to say exactly what it is about him. I know it's got to do with the way he was raised but it's hard to say what it is. It's like he's a secret. It's like whoever he is on his deepest levels is guarded and his life's work is to make sure no one gets near it. He's all about love and sharing love being genuine and honest and open and I know he believes it but the more I got to really know him the more I saw what an exhausting dance his life must be, like he always needs to be seen in the right light, like he's terrified someone might see him when he's unprepared, when he's not on. I don't think he has any idea what he's hiding. I don't even know if he knows he's hiding, but he is. It's complicated. It's not like he's a phony, a facade--though there's a bunch of people who feel like that about him. They're sharp enough to see that he's showing them a front, a constructed exterior that he hopes they'll admire, but they don't know him well. To be a phony you have to be aware of the pretense. He's not. Not exactly. He is the pretense. It's like he's making himself up as he goes along. It's as if the truest kernel of himself is something he's frightened of or ashamed of or for some reason just can't let anyone see maybe not even himself. I don't know. I should have talked to him about it but then it was hard because he just utterly deflates if someone he likes doesn't like him. It's as if the facade collapses. It's hard to see such deep sadness. I couldn't do it then, I loved him too much, and now it'll just seem like I'm attacking him because I'm angry. And I am angry. He's not real at heart. That's why he can do this. That's how he can behave this way. C? Please.